Tempestuous Mind
by littlegirlgonemad
Summary: He's begun seeing her everywhere. That redhead at the apothecary's, that flash of green eyes at Flourish and Blotts, a whiff of  jasmine perfume near Fortscue's, a tinkling laugh outside Zonko's. It's as though the memory of her has taken over his senses.
1. Rage

**RAGE: Lily's Murder**

The rage. Burning, boiling, not dying out. It consumes me, from the inside. My mind is engulfed by the unfairness of it all, the pain, the cruelty. I fail to see the reason for her murder. I fail to comprehend. My blood bubbles angrily, reflecting the fury in my mind. My eyelids prickle with the hot, unshed tears. I am aware of nothing but my anger; it is as if nothing else matters.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, my mind clears. A cold, calm and businesslike air settles over my mind. I can think now, but my only thoughts are violent, evil. But they won't help me in my quest for justice. Violence and evil will only hinder me. I must join the Order, ensure them that my loyalties lie with them. The Dark Lord must fall. Only then will I fulfil my promise to myself. My promise of revenge…


	2. Sinner

**Sinner**

Severus has offered Draco help about a billion times

But the blond boy doesn't listen

Severus knows that Draco never will

He's too proud, arrogant, naive

But Severus knows that he needs to convince Draco of his insufficiency

He needs to stop Draco from uttering the curse

He needs to save the boy's soul from being ripped irreparably

He needs to listen to Dumbledore

He needs to rise above his twisted dislike for the Potter boy

He needs to rid himself of the guilt that is creeping into his soul stealthily

He needs to stop Draco from killing Dumbledore

Only to clear the way for himself

He will be the one to kill the great man

At his own orders

He must turn sinner

For what?

For _him_

Lily's son

**Author's Note: Sorry for the stupendously late update. My apologies. **

**Well? How was this?**

**Conceited as this may sound, don't favourite/alert without reviewing, please!**


	3. Inspiration

**Inspiration**

New avenues must be explored...

Yes, that's it

The sword must be reached to Potter and his friends

That is of absolute importance

But how?

Phineas Nigellus rushes into the his portrait in a flurry

"Severus" he pants, "I know where they are!"

"Where?" is the soft reply, black eyes lighting up

"The mudblood opened her bag and- and I heard- the Forest of Dean"

"Please, Phineas do not use that word in front of me. And- thank you."

So that's where the three were

He thinks for a moment; and suddenly, inspiration strikes

He has a plan; a perfect plan

The Sword of Gryffindor will be with the Potter boy by the end of the night

He hopes that Po- _Harry_- knows what to do with it

A silver haired wizard with twinkling blue eyes smiles softly, pleased.

**Author's Note: How was it? I know JKR has done a version of almost all these scenes in **_**The Prince's Tale**_** in **_**Deathly Hallows**_**, however, I thought I'd give it a shot anyhow.**

**Please review!**


	4. Pepper

**Pepper**

"Bless you!" she says not looking up from her book; a single finger curling the red hair at the end of her plait.

"Thanks." You grunt, glad she can't see your pale face blush.

You don't _actually _understand the Muggle tradition of blessing people who sneeze, but from what she's told you, you've gathered that it's something to do with warding of the _devil_.

Whatever _that_ is.

"A-a-a-_tichoo!_" you sneeze again, sniffling.

This time she looks up, a vague smile gracing her face.

"A-a-a-tichoo_!" _a sneeze escapes you again.

"What is it Sev?" she asks, concern clouding her green eyes.

"It's nothing; probably the pepper flavoured Bertie Botts. I've always had um… _adverse_ reactions to it." you mutter.

"Oh!" she breathes, amused. "At any rate, you look very cute when you sneeze!"

It's not what you want to hear, but if it makes her smile…

"Your nose crinkles up and your eyes are squeezed shut so _adorably_!"

You smile at her as she lets out a peal of laughter.

She looks radiant when she's happy, her green eyes dance with mirth.

She sees you looking at her intently and blushes gently before going back to her book.

You want to see her laugh one last time, before you reach Hogwarts for the fifth year, before _Potter_ begins to torment you.

And so, you search through the Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans for a dull grey one.

There! You've found it!

You pick it up and pop it into your mouth.

It And you wait.

And wait.

And then-

"A-a-a-a-TICHOO!" you sneeze violently.

And she looks up, laughing.

"You're adorable Sev!" she says.

And you smile, wondering whether there's something more than friendship for the two of you in the coming year.

**Author's Note: Even though no one reads/reviews this fic, I've decided to write it for myself.**

**So this AN is effectively for… me!**

**But if someone **_**does**_** happen across this fic, please review it!**


	5. Older, Not Wiser

**Older, Not Wiser**

I know that the boy is older now

But definitely no wiser

He's been getting himself into scrapes for years now

He fights a troll, ventures into places he's not supposed to know about

Triumphs against the Dark Lord at eleven

And it's not even the first time

He flies a car to school

A _car!_

And then escapes alive from a whole colony of hungry Acromantula

The finds the legendary Chamber of Secrets

_And_ kills the fabled Basilisk

Then he is in danger of being murdered by Sirius Black

Yet he finds the man, clears his name and sets free an innocent Hippogriff

But the very next year the boy is thrown into a contest he is neither skilled enough to compete in

Nor emotionally or physically prepared for

Yet, he emerges unscathed

He's seen the Dark Lord rise, he's _duelled_ with him

And yet, he _lives_

I don't know how he does it

But it has _got_ to do with his parents' love for him

Lily and Po-_James _gave up their lives for him

And that amounts to something

I suppose it's to do with being a _Potter_

Popularity, fame, _bravery_

Traits of a Potter, not of people like me

Sad, pathetic, tortured

He's older, yes

But not wiser when it comes to self-preservation

Doesn't he know that it scares me to see him so close to death?

And its not just because he's my last link to Lily

But its hurts, stings because if he dies, I'll know that I've failed Lily

That I've let the life most important to her die

Doesn't the boy know that his green eyes stab me every day I have to see his face?

And coupled with that black hair and those lopsided glasses the wound in my heart grows larger?

But does he know that I don't hate him?

That I couldn't _possibly_ hate anyone so close to, so _loved_ by Lily?

He needs support, protection, a _family_

But I can't give that to him

I want to but I _can't_

Not if I want to protect him

And if not giving Lily's son a family means that I can protect him from _Voldemort_ then so it shall be…

**Author's Note: Thank you to MadSockRabbit for reviewing. I thought I'd end up writing this fic for just myself. It's nice to know that other people read it and respect and love Severus.**

**What should I write about next in this collection of drabbles?**


	6. Bitterness

**Bitterness**

Bitterness

That's all he feels

It's his fault and he knows it

He's sacrificed their friendship

Only so that Potter wouldn't torment him

And he's hurt her in the process

But who's won?

Potter has

He's saved her from the darkness

From spiralling into sadness

And he is her light

Potter's the one that makes her smile now

Not him

And the bitterness takes over

**Author's Note: I wonder, what's the point of this if I'm the only one reading?**

**Ah, well!**


	7. Meaning

**Meaning**

Severus spoke in clipped tones, hiding behind a mask of nonchalance

Dumbledore needn't know how much this meant to him

These seemingly pointless tasks, charades

Yet Severus had a feeling that older man knew exactly how much protecting Lily's son meant to him

Harry's safety was more important than life itself

**Author's Note: Are these getting progressively bitter(er)? Well, can't blame the author!**


	8. Confusion

**Confusion**

This is just the inevitable calm before the raging storm

Severus knows it, but refuses to acknowledge it

What will the realisation do? He wonders

What purpose will it serve?

The boy is just being raised for slaughter

He can feel the tension crackling in the air

It will soon be July the thirty-first, and with it the boy's eleventh birthday

Time to arrive at Hogwarts…

Time for the wheels to be set in motion

The boy wont cower

Run away

Hide

Severus is sure of that

If he is half the person Lily was, or even Potter

The boy will stand and fight

Severus almost wishes that he wouldn't

Almost

But then, the boy wouldn't be Lily's son

And for him, that's what's important

**Author's Note: I'm back to Sev after a long time. It feels good. Thanks to all my reviewers, your reviews made me smile!**


	9. Again

**Again**

He's begun seeing her everywhere. That redhead at the apothecary's, that flash of green eyes at Flourish and Blotts, a whiff of jasmine perfume near Fortscue's, a tinkling laugh outside Zonko's. It's as though the memory of her has taken over his senses.

He prowls through Diagon Alley during his frequent sleepless nights, and even though not a soul is about, he feels her by his side, keeping him company. He can almost see a pale, ghostly silhouette gliding along next to him. Close enough for him to see, but far enough to be out of reach.

He almost despises himself for being Potions Master- the dungeons where he now spends all his time remind him of her and her excellent Potioneering. The pewter cauldron in which he has brewed many a potion along with her reflects not his face, but hers. The crackling fires seem to be hissing her name bitterly, as though blaming him for her absence.

He hates the Quidditch Pitch, and avoids it religiously. That's where she had been bullied mercilessly in their early years at Hogwarts. That's where the bullies later apologised to her. That's where she began spending all her time- dividing it between her books and her favourite Chaser. That's where he lost her.

He doesn't like the library. The librarian gets on his nerves for one- watching him, hawk eyed, as though he'll creep into the Restricted Section to research unspeakable Dark Magic. He feels hollow, too- he remembers the hours he'd spent here during his student years with her- astounded at her wit and wisdom. He'd wondered how she'd ended up a Gryffindor. Had she been a Ravenclaw, their friendship might have been easier.

He finds that he resents Hogwarts- in a cruel, twisted way. It's where he found a home. It's where he grew up, it's where he learned that he was actually worth something. It's where he found her- and lost her. It's where he saw her one last time- those green eyes and red hair that will haunt him forever.

Little does he know, that Hogwarts is also where he'll see her eyes again- in her son.

**Author's Note: MERLIN'S PANTS! I'm back, I haven't abandoned this fic- however updates will be few and far. School, SUPW and dance classes have been taking up all my time. Apologies for rustiness.**

**Review, as usual!**


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